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(December 19, 2014 9:35 AM)

“What’s your excuse today, Jones?”

“There were all these animals walking around Dupont Circle.”

“What do you mean animals?”

“There was a tortoise–”

“A tortoise?”

“Ya know… a large turtle, and a zebra, and a peng-”

“I don’t have time for this. And, neither do you. You’re a half an hour late, and I expect you to make it up by the end of the-”

(Two weeks prior)

“How is the mission?”

“Good. They will give me the keys to the cages in the next few weeks. They love me here.”

“They don’t know jack about ‘love.’ They’re scum.”

“I have to go.”


“We are looking to do a black and white ball for the winter solstice. Yes, I see. Well, I was thinking a zebra and perhaps an emperor penguin. Ten thousand sounds very reasonable.”


“In the Faukland Islands, they eat penguin eggs. However, I am not finding any recipes for the actual penguin. I guess I will use the cream sauce I designed for the parrots last year with perhaps dates?”


“The secret to bestiality flicks is thorough animal training. However, for these events you don’t have the time or space for real zoological education. So, you just smear the animal’s favorite food over the people’s privates, and there ya go. Other than that most animals will let you masturbate them on the regular without too much hassle. But, you’re in for some interesting times, ’cause I’ve never worked with an emperor penguin before.”


“Mr. President, here’s your ticket to the Black and —”

“Prime Minister, don’t forget your pass to the Black and White—”

“Your Highness, your ballgown has arrived.”